The End.....

is coming. My oldest child is graduating high school. His teen years have been a struggle. He's been arrested,sent to boot camp, a group home, had his license revoked twice, gone through three vehicles and has only recently been diagnosed as bipolar.
I think back on all the years that have been wasted of his school years and all it took was one dr's visit and he was on a med that three weeks in has made a drastic difference in his moods. I have taken him to a couple of dr.'s and no one made the diagnosis. I should have known because I am bipolar. I should have seen the signs. I did not because his symptoms were not the same as mine.
This boy was my first born. The one I placed so much hope in. They were shattered. Everytime I would extend a hand he would bite it. I am so tired now. I know that this bipolar thing is going to make his life harder. I just want the best for him for the rest of his life. I want him to be happy. I want his life to be long and prosperous. I want more for him than what I had. An"easier row to hoe".

Sleep Deprivation.....

I can understand why it can be used as a form of torture. I did not sleep Tuesday night at all. Wednesday night I slept about three hours or so. Thursday night I got around five hours sleep. During those three days I forgot to feed my dogs regularly. I sucked at work. Not to mention the fact that I was quite grouchy during that time. Even now on Friday night I am not sleepy and it is almost an hour past my bedtime. It really is nerve wracking. The feeling that comes with no sleep that is. I was told by quite a few older people when I was younger that sleep would not be as needed. Well I've always slept during the day and not so much at night. Now I don't always have to sleep everyday and I DO NOT LIKE IT!!!! Maybe Saturday night I can sleep.

THE WORLD IS FULL OF CRAP

ORGANIC. GREEN. These seem to be the new hot topic of the day. Well I was born and bred in south Alabama. Here we still do alot of things the way that the new hot topic way. My grandparents grew their own veggies up until maybe 10 years ago. My grandparents-in-law still garden. I have been lax in my picking of and putting up vegetables from the garden but with the cost of groceries now days I am going to be more vigilant.I know that gardening is not all there is to green living.
One of the funniest things about green living tips that I heard the other day was to turn off the ac and open a window. Well I have become accustomed to my ac. In south Alabama the humidity is so bad that your clothes will be damp. Not from sweat mind you but from the humidity is a KILLER. 100% moisture in the air. No clouds in the sky ,no breezes bowing. The grass is so parched that you can hear it crackle when you walk on it. The smell that emits from underfoot is not the usual grassy smell but almost a burnt odor. The person who made that tip must have been from an area where they have cooler temperatures. Last year we had record setting highs AND record numbers of days with NO rain,not even an adequate amount of dew on the ground. My yard was brown not green. I will gladly do my part but I will not suffer a heat stroke nor be miserable just to say I live green. I will give up something else but not my ac on a summer day when the temperature is over 100 with an even higher heat index.

I DISLIKE.......

I dislike the intenseness with which my emotions are changing. I feel sometimes like I am drowning. Amazing is it not that anger and sadness can be maintained within the same brain at one time and yet not seem to exist at all.
I dislike being angry.It is not the anger that clears the air. This is an anger that corrupts your very being and turns you into a shrieking, slobbering shrew. One of the women you see in the horror movies that turns into a killer.
I dislike the way my hair is laying on my head.
I dislike the color of my foundation.
I dislike the way that the pills that I took to make me sleep makes my head feel.
I dislike the fact that I dislike so many things. Believe me this list is short and
I do not want to dislike the the things that I dislike.
I want to like the things that I dislike because I did not always dislike these things.I want to like myself again. I want to look into my mirror and like what I see. I have not liked what I see there for years. Even at 38 I have been told I am attractive. I do not see it. I see me. I see someone I do not like.